As a good scrapper, it was therapeutic for me to do this! The page reads:
I don't hate many things. It's just not who I am. But I hate this tumor inside my head. On May 14, 2010 I was told that I have a benign tumor on the right side of my head called an acoustic neuroma. At first, it seemed almost like no big deal. One treatment or another would get rid of it, and life would go on. Not so much. As far as acoustic neuromas go, mine is large, about 3.8cm at its largest point, so treatment options are limited. The suggested treatment is to remove it using an approach that will offer the best chance at total tumor removal and the least long term complications and side effects, but there is no question that I will lose my hearing in my right ear. Again, being single sided deaf doesn't sound like a huge deal, but it is. I will no longer be able to tell where sounds is coming from, it will be much more difficult to take in different sounds at one time, I will here in mono, I wonder will I enjoy music - recorded or at a concert? No matter what, I just won't hear the same!
My darling daughters. How will this affect them and the way we interact together? I am still nursing Kinsey who is barely 5 months old. I know kids have survived on formula for years, but I am happy to breastfeed my babies and hate the idea of it stopping so soon either because my body can't keep up or because of drugs I need to take. Will I feel comfortable being out with them at a store or playground if I can't hear where they are? How will I hear Delaney's sweet voice? What will Kinsey's first words sound like? Giggles, I know I will still hear them, but they will sound different.
How will I feel in a month? Six months? A year? Nobody knows. Everyone has a different recovery. I'm told that the brain surgery itself isn't terribly painful. But because I will experience total and instant hearing loss, I can probably expect tinnitus, maybe for a short time, maybe longer. Some people it is a mild ringing, and others it is a roaring sound that never stops. I hope I am one of the lucky ones.
Will my balance get better or worse? The doctors suspect that my balance nerve on my right side is pretty much non-functioning now and the left side has already compensated. Hopefully the extreme nauseousness and dizziness that many experience immediately after surgery will not be as severe. With time, I am hoping that I can make it better. Being able to walk with certainty on uneven ground, especially at night, hold a camera to one eye and not sway in some circumstances. They are goals!
Change in taste is another unknown. Will a wonderful glass of wine taste the same? A bite of a new food, or an old favorite?
Will I have lingering or constant headaches? There is a lot of stuff moving around and changing in my head. I hope everything settles back to where it should be without too much trouble.
Will my facial nerve remain intact? Will I be able to move my face normally, smile, blink my eye? Will I see a difference? Will my daughters see a difference? Will others see a difference?
As Mark and I have said, this sucks, but there are other things that suck worse. I hate the things that will change in my life. I hate the things that I may miss. I hate the unknown of what the future will bring.
I am strong, and have a great supporting family. Life will go on. Things may be different, but I will be fine.
I don't hate many things. It's just not who I am. But I hate this tumor inside my head. On May 14, 2010 I was told that I have a benign tumor on the right side of my head called an acoustic neuroma. At first, it seemed almost like no big deal. One treatment or another would get rid of it, and life would go on. Not so much. As far as acoustic neuromas go, mine is large, about 3.8cm at its largest point, so treatment options are limited. The suggested treatment is to remove it using an approach that will offer the best chance at total tumor removal and the least long term complications and side effects, but there is no question that I will lose my hearing in my right ear. Again, being single sided deaf doesn't sound like a huge deal, but it is. I will no longer be able to tell where sounds is coming from, it will be much more difficult to take in different sounds at one time, I will here in mono, I wonder will I enjoy music - recorded or at a concert? No matter what, I just won't hear the same!
My darling daughters. How will this affect them and the way we interact together? I am still nursing Kinsey who is barely 5 months old. I know kids have survived on formula for years, but I am happy to breastfeed my babies and hate the idea of it stopping so soon either because my body can't keep up or because of drugs I need to take. Will I feel comfortable being out with them at a store or playground if I can't hear where they are? How will I hear Delaney's sweet voice? What will Kinsey's first words sound like? Giggles, I know I will still hear them, but they will sound different.
How will I feel in a month? Six months? A year? Nobody knows. Everyone has a different recovery. I'm told that the brain surgery itself isn't terribly painful. But because I will experience total and instant hearing loss, I can probably expect tinnitus, maybe for a short time, maybe longer. Some people it is a mild ringing, and others it is a roaring sound that never stops. I hope I am one of the lucky ones.
Will my balance get better or worse? The doctors suspect that my balance nerve on my right side is pretty much non-functioning now and the left side has already compensated. Hopefully the extreme nauseousness and dizziness that many experience immediately after surgery will not be as severe. With time, I am hoping that I can make it better. Being able to walk with certainty on uneven ground, especially at night, hold a camera to one eye and not sway in some circumstances. They are goals!
Change in taste is another unknown. Will a wonderful glass of wine taste the same? A bite of a new food, or an old favorite?
Will I have lingering or constant headaches? There is a lot of stuff moving around and changing in my head. I hope everything settles back to where it should be without too much trouble.
Will my facial nerve remain intact? Will I be able to move my face normally, smile, blink my eye? Will I see a difference? Will my daughters see a difference? Will others see a difference?
As Mark and I have said, this sucks, but there are other things that suck worse. I hate the things that will change in my life. I hate the things that I may miss. I hate the unknown of what the future will bring.
I am strong, and have a great supporting family. Life will go on. Things may be different, but I will be fine.
Kathleen,
ReplyDeleteYou are probably a lot of things...scared, unsure, concerned.
You are also strong, focused, intelligent, adaptive, together, resourceful, loved, blessed.
My prayers are with you as you take this...journey.
XO - Lori
Our thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Of course, we are here if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteXO~Margaret and Chris
Hi Kathleen -
ReplyDeleteMy mom told me how you were doing when she returned from her trip to IA! Just know that you are loved and tomorrow is a new day. Whatever it brings, you will make it through and find the best part of it to enjoy b/c you have those two beautiful baby girls waiting for you and depending on you! Know that we are praying for you and your family as you find your new "normal." Betsy